Family LIfe

Mistress Puffykins-It never gets old
September 10 2010

Yeah, so, sometimes when in a time crunch I shower with the mistress. I've also added brushing teeth in the shower into the multi-tasking....task. Towards the end of the shower I hand the mistress her toothbrush and let her "brush" her own teeth while I wash my face. So my eyes are closed and while I'm rinsing the soap off my face I hear the mistress say, "brush-a-teeth" Im thinking, if she's talking what is she doing? I open my eyes and find her sitting on the edge of the tub and guess where the toothbrush was? Guess? Don't give up cause I'm not saying.

The Hibster
September 2010

If you were Lucky you may have spotted this one on Facebook. So one night were driving in the car, usually I have music playing. Well in the backround of the music I hear, "" I couldn't tell if it was the Mistress or The Hibster so I ask, "Hibby, were you calling me?" Her response, "I don't even have a cell phone"

Mistress Puffykins at it again.
July 15th 2010

So I thought the poop story was bad, and it was but at least it wasn’t dangerous. This morning while I was reading my emails and prettying up my blog, Toot runs into my room screaming…

“I can’t find Mistress Puffykins!”

I got up and ran downstairs and out to the garage. Mistress Puffykins was standing near the open garage door waving at a passing neighbor. I pulled her inside and shut the garage door. As I walked back to my room I Privately wondered how she reached the garage door button? I mean it’s really high, really really high and she’s like 2 feet tall.

So later I get the report from Toot and Hibby. According to them Mistress Puffykins with sippy cup in hand toddles her chubby ass out to the garage, opens the passenger side door of my sedan. Then in only the dramatic way she can, takes a big nervous drink of juice, sets her cup down on the garage floor, climbs into the passenger seat, reaches up and V-walla opens the garage door.

Another lesson on the observational skills of the average 2-year-old.

Three Times Baaaaad

You know I thought that, The Teenager, Hibby and Nay-2 would have prepared me for this, but boy was I wrong. I recently told our local grocer that for as sweet as Mistress Puffykins is, she can be equally less then charming. Consequently there are 2 items I won’t be putting on Craigslist, and here is explanation why….

So I literally, can change the Mistresses diaper, leave the room to say…bring a dish downstairs and on my way upstairs I can smell it, oh great she’s pooped. But recently she’s done much more than just pooped.

On the first occasion, I thought it was a fluke what the hell have I been feeding her I can smell her all the way down here. As soon as I turned the corner into the room OH MY GOOOOOOSSSHHHH!!!! There was poop everywhere! There was an open dirty diaper on the floor, chunks of poop on the carpet, it was smeared all over the crib rail, tiny chunks were hanging from the crib posts, and it was spread all over her sheets like she had been finger-painting with it!!! Aaaaaa! And the walls??? The walls??? Dear God the walls!!!

So yeah….

Now the second time…yes …the second time, the mistress was in her travel crib in the living-room. The Teenager had been watching….,LOL watching her somehow while upstairs on the computer and I could smell the mistresses distinct odor from the backyard. The distance the odor had traveled told me this was going to be bad…and it was. Same as before but after trying to scrub the matter out, I realized that I had invented a dish washing soap, water and poop mixture that I was inadvertently soaking further into the fabric. It was then that I dragged the pooped stained crib out to the backyard for an attack via garden hose…spray nozzle on JET.

The third time, (go ahead and laugh) know this…. it’s not my negligence it’s the mistress’s speed and determination to “poop and play” before the smell of her odor-ific emanation reaches my delicate nasal pathways.

For first time parents I offer this plan of action:

1. Leave the child in the crib and strip her of all clothing.

2. Take stripped child to the shower turn on water, (pay attention to hot/cold setting)

3. While in the bathroom gather up some toilet paper, uh yeah you’ll need it.

4. Return to vandalized room retrieve poop fragments from floor, carpet, any chunks you can grab off the crib and the dirty diaper and dispose of. Check on child.

5. Open window

6. Strip bedding and put in the hamper or ideally directly into washing machine.

7. Get cleaning products. I wipe with water on 1st pass, soap and water on 2nd pass and antibacterial wipes/spray on 3rd and 4th pass.

8. Bathe child, apply fresh diaper/clothing and secure child in a new location till the air clears and the room is back to normal.

Happy Parenting!!

This is a photo I took and is now cropped above the children moments after they had finished singing. Notice the many circles floating about? Those are not smudges on my camera, they are orbs, they are attracted to children. Look closer at the upper left hand part of the image, notice the mans profile with the orb on his chin?

The Toilet Paper Call
“Mom, can you bring me up some toilet paper?” My 9 year old son yells from the upstairs bathroom.

Me at 7-year-old, “Will you please go take some toilet paper up to your brother?”

She takes it up and gives it to him.

“…and don’t call me stupid!” She shouts as she comes down the stairs.

“Well you are… you took so long!” My son screams back from the toilet.

“Hey! YOU should have checked before you sat your butt down on the toilet!” I yell up at my son.

“I did! There was none!" He shouts down at us.