Friday, July 17, 2009

Day 28

How bad is it?

Emotionally and spiritually I’m elated, but physically, I’m exhausted. I feel as though I just swam 50 laps non stop. My legs are throbbing hip to ankle, as though I did 50 lunges followed by 50 squats. My lower back hurts, as if I lifted up and down a forty pound child over and over again; now if try to move, an odd pain will shoot up my spine and further fuel my already blinding migraine. As bad as all that is, it gets much, much worse.

It’s as if there is an evil little leprechaun living in my abdomen, he wakes every 28 days and takes absolute pleasure in squeezing my uterus like a sponge and then raking it over an everlasting cheese grater. This of course radiates a pain so powerful that my hips feel like they are running in opposite directions trying to rip my body in two. Thankfully, a couple of Midol help to weaken the tiny leprechaun.

Male equivalent
You just won an Aston Martin V12 Vantage simply for putting up with your unappreciative, nagging boss for a measly 7 days. You did the same laps, lunges, squats and lifted the same child. Working out has made you sore and exhausted, so you stow your new vehicle in the garage, all you want to do is sit down in your Lazy boy, crack a beer and watch some TV; but just then the oddest thing happens.

The Karate Kid suddenly appears and kicks you so hard in your manly fruits, that they are somehow forced inside your body, and come to rest just above your bladder. Though in intense pain, you are relived that the K.K can not get to your family jewels again. Unfortunately for you, an evil Smurf-ette has been lounging in your intestines for the past month. Startled and irritated by the new arrival in her space she tries to remove them by twisting your already throbbing male parts over and over again, creating a headache so powerful you think your only relief would be if your eyeballs popped out of their sockets.

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